Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
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So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
this came to me in a vision
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds