cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God