CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
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My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?