Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit

12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

I have one of those signs in my house that says:

“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that