CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
You Might Also Like
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.