Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Important reminders
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.