*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
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please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
The first one, obviously
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.