CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
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Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Do not levitate over flowers
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”