Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
That’s fair
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Would you wear it?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]