Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
goldfish mafia
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
me after eating Cheetos
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
He died doing what he loved: being alive