Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Worst bar ever.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
What my back needs
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.