[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic