craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
The little toadstool has spoken.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
2022 will be better than 2021
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie