*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
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I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Oops
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Noah
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
mathematically impossible
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy