*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!