*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
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I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.