*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
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Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
This could be us but you eatin’
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Where is your GOD now????
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Meow?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.