Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.