Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
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every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit