Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.