crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Lmbo
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀