Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.