Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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so much to do
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away