Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My favorite state to visit?
[tarot card reading]
You will be a King
And find a beautiful queen
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE
Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely