Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
You Might Also Like
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Me irl
Strange
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Nomnomnomnom
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER