Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Best table by far
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.