When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
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Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”
– Call Center Training
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.