Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
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“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
(True)
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I bet birds love this building.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore