@ChickenFrecklez

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

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@XplodingUnicorn

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@UncleDuke1969

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

@CaptainObtuse

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

@bridger_w

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

@Brianhopecomedy

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

@IamEnidColeslaw

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

@Shade510

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

@iRowlf

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.