Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
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Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
How dude HOW?!
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over