Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!