@lovemydogduck Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
@GoldenSpirals Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
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@lovemydogduck 
@hamspamtymaam If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
@flashember In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
@spaceboyriley Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
@Dani_Feld LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
@kiralc Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
@nikepinksunrise Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
@Havish_AF When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
@GrantTanaka [answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
@bornmiserable MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm