Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
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I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired