Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!