*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
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My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
それは草
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The Assassin.
translated into Canadian
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.