[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans



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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.


NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored


I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.


“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”


My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?


Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.


My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.


[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes


a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down


For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman