[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
You Might Also Like
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’