God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
him: not face down
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
bro what is going on at twitter
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*