*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both