[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
You Might Also Like
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever