[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
You Might Also Like
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Stop being racist to kettles.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Muppet Screams
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math