[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
being a writer on Twitter:
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No