[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
john wicks are toilet candles
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.