[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken