[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
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Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
🤣🤣🤣
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.