[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
These are my roll models.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really