[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
This is not me but this is me
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Isn’t
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
HERE’S MARKY
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”