[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then