@ohpegah [playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
@bewgtweets (Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
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@ohpegah 
@thejessbess I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
@Reverend_Scott Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
@Inferno_V Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
@babyIulu succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
@CornOnTheGoblin [whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
@squirrel74wkgn Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
@SteveSuckington “Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
@wilw Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
@AnOrangeSNES [Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot