(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
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I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink