[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.