CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
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People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
This is why I hate group projects
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.