[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

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GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this


This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.


friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more


Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?


*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better


Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great


If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.


I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.


I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles


I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?