[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up