[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
eggs benadryl
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.