[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.