[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.